All let loose

Finally, it is all out....

Today, (31/10/08), directly after dinner,

I manage to tell them.When we sat together on Jane's bed,
facing each other,sharing a blanket,

I didn't know how to start but at the same time I knew.

I have been rehearsing over and over again in my head on how do I tell it to them,on how do i break the news...

In this one month, I had been tearing each time.thinking about what to say to them.

For this whole month,i've been holdin it in and it's one of the toughest thing to do.I couldn't tell them.

Not yet.Not till it was the right time.

That day when we had a second surprise party for jeannette,

I knew very well about what was going to happen.

I wanted to just cherish that very moment.

It was Jean's day and i didn't want to ruin it.

On Lee yee's b'day, I had told them that I might be going to Australia.

That time, I really had the strong urge to tell and I did.

It was a very very wrong move.

In the end, i felt that i had spoiled her b'day party.
(sorry Lee Yee *bows apologetically*)

I felt really bad so when it was Jean's turn,

I was determined not to ruined it, so I kept quiet.

On the day that I was filming the video for Jean's B'day present,

I had lied about the part where it is not confirmed yet and after all the filming,

I didn't even re-watch the vid.
I just couldn't and on that day, when 5 of us just sat there watching the vid,

i couldn't sit with them...i knew i couldn't bcos i was afraid...
i was afraid that i would burst out in no time...

so i sat on the chair...but then i couldn't stand it.

I cried.... I had tried not too...

it was the part of my vid where i was talking about dong bang gang,

I knew it....I wont be around anymore in just a few months....

I knew it but I could just weep.Luckily they didn't notice me...

Ever since I knew about it,

I had been trying not to shed any tears on the phone whenever I was talking to them

and I had managed too but I had failed each time when I think of them.

I had decided to let them know as a group and not let them hear it from a third party

so I kept it as a secret from my other friends too.

Then, one night I dreamt.

I made something for the gang.It was handphone stings.

I had noticed that they all did not have any accessories at all hanging on the phone so in the end,

I bought the alphabets and customized the upper part of the friendship string close enough to my dream.

here are the pictures....

- Jane took this -

- I gave this too Lee Yee -

- Jeannette took this -

- I took this -

- Zhe Rei took this -

- This is the word formed when 5 of us put it together -

The alphabets are actually given based on the standing of DBSK members.

Since i am a Changmin fan so I took X

and Lee Yee is a Yoochun fan so i gave her V.

The rest are decided by themselves bcos 3 of them are Jae Joong Fans...

hahaha

When I was modifying the strings,
I had a few thoughts in my mind…

So here, I’ll share them…

I chose the alphabets TVFXQ is bcos,
They’re the ones that brought us dong bang gang together.
There are 5 members in DBSK and there are 5 of us in Dong Bang gang.
TVfXQ is also DBSK’s real name so each of us holds and alphabet.
We are all in this together and without one,
We are not whole just like the name,
TVFXQ.

The flower has 5 outer dots and one dot in the middle.
The five outer dots represents us 5 and the middle dot
Represent Dong Bang Shin Ki that holds us together.

Each string is exactly the same except for the alphabets.
I want dong bang gang to know that
They are all important to me .
We belong together…
it’s not that I want to bind them to me but
it’s just to show how much I appreciate them…

I practiced singing in the last month.
It so happened that I came across this movie and the song is very meaningful
So I wrote down the lyrics and practiced singing.
The song is entitled Connected and it’s actually a duet.

Today,
I had managed to memorized the lyrics but when I was about to sing,
I had the feeling that I wasn’t able to sing without the lyrics.
I sang the song but was a bit shaky,
I was trying to hold back the tears and
I also thought that I would be able to finish it but
I was so wrong.
I thought that I had cried till I didn’t have the tears to cry anymore.
I wanted to be strong for them.
I didn’t want to cry in front of them but it came anyway.

After all the sobbing, crying….
We sang proud together.
Then we chat and shared our thoughts till we all went home.
On the way back,
Zhe Rei and Lee Yee was with me.
Man, they sure are fierce…
Hahahaha
I told them that if it were not because of them,
I wouldn’t have told them. I was going to, not until the last few days.
It was the request from them earlier to tell, so I did.
Both of them told me that if I were to leave without informing early,
They will hunt me down and kill me!!
They even say that they wont even talked to me anymore…
Some friends…
Hahahaha
I really had thought that If I were to tell later,
Then the separation wont be hard…

Right now,
I don’t even know what to feel….
All I know is that I’m gonna leave my ‘gems’ behind
And would not be with them on my special day.
It took me so long to find them…..
I feel empty again.